Chronicles of a Lonely Heart 2: Serenity

Have you ever made a decision, vowing to stand by it, not to default but as the days roll by, you find yourself going back on your words, like eating up your own words literally? So many of us find it difficult to keep our new year resolutions till the second quarter or break off habits like smoking and excessive drinking till we get the next stick or bottle and before we know it, we are setting new targets. Have you ever asked yourself, “why can’t I stay away from fine guys”, lol… You heard me, that’s actually me asking myself.

Most of my friends from school already have good relationships and they flaunt it. When I talk to them, most seem totally content, as though their lives were unfolding exactly as they planned. I, on the other hand, had my first real relationship heading for the rocks. All that matter to me seem to be taking a cue from my relationship status – my writings, a few beautiful people in my life, mum, a cute, quiet brother and a younger sister who seemed more carefree and more extroverted than I am. Often times, I wonder if this was the so much anticipated adulthood, I wonder why I’d been in such a rush to grow up in the first place.

My exceptional beauty, conspicuous as the red petals of roses, seem not to be my lucky charm or bring me the comeliness and inner peace I so much desire. I therefore resolved and retreated to enjoying my surroundings. I began to note the slowly moving clouds, the scent of breeze, and the gentle warming effect of the rising sun. Occasionally, I take pictures of the clouds, how the sun, whose flaming rays that wouldn’t linger for too long would slide away to hide beneath the peaks and leave the skies a soft purpling blue, shimmered.

Amidst all of these, I put up the “Chronicles of a lonely heart” in May, a compilation of events as they occurred in the same month and the preceding one. How many of you ever wondered how someone’s emotional trauma could be as vivid and reflected all over the diary – a teary manifestation of a quick and nasty breakup. It was a week to my birthday when the signals became most evident; No calls, no plans or best wishes for my birthday, no late night chats and all those silly name callings. The feelings became even more real, this dude is gone. My friends tell me of how their boyfriends shower them with love weeks before the actual day that I couldn’t help but notice that mine was an exceptional case, my boyfriend is most probably gone.

Okay, it’s finally my birthday. A couple of text messages, facebook and whatsapp birthday wishes. But what is all of that when that one message you crave for fails to drop. And for every ping, imagine the pain with the realization that it is still not the one you are expecting. You know that anxiety that takes a hold of you when all you are expecting as a student caught up in the University bank waiting to get a bank alert; beep beep, well I was a little bit more edgy than that, yes. The day is slow but already drawing its curtains, I finally decided to take the mountain to Mohammed by calling. When I eventually did, he sounded nonchalant and definitely not excited. Few minutes later, he sent me a text via WhatsApp, not even a paid SMS, that he is done. Just like that? And I’m wondering how did it all turn so soured….

It all began in March, my love experience reaching an unbearable low – nothing seem to be stimulating. There has been blackout for a month and I had gone in search of light when we met. He was on earphones, a sturdy and athletic one. Dara speaks sooo well, he has a very good command for words and I could not resist to keep the conversation flowing. From the first time we spoke, I found him to be so pacifying in a very calm and soothing way too. When he speaks, I could see and feel every word coming out of his mouth, I was literally mesmerized by his choice of words.

I really am not the talking type but somehow he could engage me talking for hours. In our several discussions, I found out we have common interest in media and writing. I could say he ignited the fire of writing in me…as if he’s been the one I await… He was my knight in shining armor, yes my self-acclaimed genius, at least until his ideas of him not needing anyone or that he can do anything, get everything he needed started choking him. But wait, who doesn’t need anyone in this life? Or is that also part of the plot?

For all that while we were still coping until he misplaced some of my works and was haughty about it, offering no sincere apology and not taking responsibility for his actions. I guess he got tired of my stubbornness too. I learnt that some people just put up with our excesses and then getting stretched to a breaking point, they snap and go away. This shows the lack of strength, values and principles in those who claim to have them.

People who are always right will never learn anything in life. That friend who turned into a stranger, seems to be always right. He says, “I give my all to people, but I do not request or need anything from them. I do not depend on people”. When I heard this I knew he was about turning to that stranger I had feared he will be. And as if he could hear my thoughts, he began to drift away, becoming more busy and churning out excuses with an annoying efficiency.

It’s still my birthday and I was still grieving my loss, I guess I am not done after all. Somehow the day seems to be very slow with me wishing it was otherwise. How could Dara be so heartless? I must have asked that question for the upteenth time when my subconscious glared at me and gave me that smirky face. I hurriedly took in gasps of air, because at the moment I felt like I have been underwater for hours.

Night came and I felt a strong relief, absurd I would say but then my heart keeps pounding till the next day. Meanwhile I had a rough night, turning intermittently, as though a grains of sand had been tossed in my bed. My birthday came and drifted away wearily. Just imagine a birthday without cake, gifts, and pictures? Well, you can keep on with imagination, I was actually there.

Days later I confronted him one more time. With all my experiences from nollywood movies, I don’t want someone saying I didn’t try enough to keep him. I’m not willing to indulge anyone plus who would want to part ways with a fine dude? TDH – He is the perfect definition of Tall, Dark and Handsome. I would conveniently say he is every girls dream and as his name suggests, Darasimi is actually a good guy, or so I thought. Only God knows what happened to him. Could it be some other girl? Or was he just tired of the special me? Snap out of it …! Back to the confrontation, he just could not make up a genuine excuse, kept saying gibberish or maybe I just didn’t hear what I needed and on a normal day that alone could put me off any guy, not even this fine guy can be excused. I am so done too. Am I?

It’s about a fortnight after, I was surfing the Internet on one of my lazy evenings when I stumbled on a bucket list of lame breakup lines. On a serious note, some guys are “funnyingly” wicked, wow. I remembered he gave me similar lines, so in the spirit of getting over the dude, I posted eight clichéd breakup lines from the lines he used on me. So all his ‘you were too good for me’ spiel paid off.

Breakups could be inspirational especially when you are just getting over it, see me already acting relationship counsellor with my compilation just like most girls will. And even though I knew I was done with Dara or any guy for that matter, I decided to enjoy the moment with a couple of my faceless whatsapp friends. And it’s awesome how the girl power can feel so strong, sometime almost getting overboard, when fellow women rally round you, helping you forget your nasty experiences with men.

There is one thing I will not forget in all of these, that love can turn to hate, passion to apathy, happiness to sadness all right in front of your face without any pre-information. And just like these feelings, friends can also become strangers given the slightest provocation. But in all of these, “No matter what you’re going through, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you’ll find the positive side of things” – Demi Lovato said it and I believe her.

There’s definitely more to my story than the innuendos presented by my escapades with Dara. Will my decision to stay off TDH guys stand the test of time? What if Dara comes calling with a compendium of apologies, Will I tear down my guard or Will I find love again and move on? Will it, maybe, be the case of staying in my shell… #winks… I guess we’ll have to wait and find out in the next episode of “The Chronicles of a Lonely Heart”.

21 responses to “Chronicles of a Lonely Heart 2: Serenity”

  1. This indeed is a beautiful piece.
    And who doesn’t need people anyway!?
    We really do capitalize on some things when we’re tired of pretending or just plain tired.
    Yes, I do feel like I am being taken on a journey.
    So, bring it on!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your chronicles are always deep. I could get lost in them, meditate on, imagine and almost feel them.

    You’re right dear. We don’t stay faithful to our resolves most times. Generally, we don’t make the best choices when we are lost in the euphoria of the moment or we’re reeling from a loss.

    But no, nobody has it all figured out, nobody. I won’t be fooled into feeling less of myself judging through the accomplishments of others. Nobody has it perfect. Rather, I see us as work in progress, toward the attainment of the perfect life we desire.

    Know what you want, itemize them. Identify what you do not want. It will help you defining yoursef, in making sustainable resolution and in fitting in a good dude when one comes around(I hope it will be sooner than later)

    Please enjoy life dear.
    I see you sis.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This is a ” block buster” piece of well articulated, descriptive and illustrated work. We are so proud of this girl-turned lady Rose has become inside-out. This piece reminds one of the age long argument about which is better “Beauty or the Brain?” Guess you all will agree with us that she (Rose) is a perfect description of both.

    The issues raised is a reminder of our human frailty, imperfections or better put, fallibility. The issues of the Heart are so complicated and yet quite simple for those that can decipher the path to take. The male and female folks are wired differently and this is one of the “epic centres” of relationship crisis. Just a few parts intersect and that’s when we witness the passion, heat, love like Romeo and Juliet ready to explode into the next level of blissful life but alas more often than not; disaster strikes! Why? because boys get attracted by what they see (most times) while ladies get attracted by what they hear (mostly lies), so already from the beginning there are planted “landmines” waiting to be detonated at the slightest “stepping on”. The motive for wooing and accepting might both be questionable. The truth is ” not all that glitters is gold”. The writer did well by balancing the assumed reasons for this breakup. However, one major panacea to this debacle is “Truth and sincerity”. Hmmm! how many of the parties are ready to hear and accept the TRUTH? For instance how would a lady feel if a guy walks up to her and after showering praises on her about her mesmerizing contours says he wants a relationship of benefits and nothing serious or a lady tells you she isn’t in for sweet words but the weight of your bank details??? More often than not we would go berserk at such outlandishness. But if truth must be said, there exist if not all but a glimpse of “what’s in there for me” i.e. the mindset.

    Little wonder it is said that relationship is meant for the mature minds. Those ready for the good, the bad and perhaps the ugly.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow!!! Well I’m dazed as ever by your writings… The grace with which you express your feelings are remarkable and like I always say your style is truly rare. What a post! It takes a lot to reveal this much to us… When it comes to relationship and it’s nuance there’s so much complexities and upheavals involved we often have to wonder what would have happened if it involved more than the binary of male and female guess there’s a strong base to the point raised by @Dr twins, in the end it’s all about the truth. I just have a few things to say though, as concern the true nature of people and feelings. First I think people are made up of different sides, at our best, two sides (a coin) worse, a hexagonal prism myriad exist among humans according to research (multiple identities). Any one who appears good only does so as far as the circumstance allows. While it’s true that actions are not excusable sometimes they can be explained. The problem with “relationship” is that they involve emotions which also usually change as with seasons, you have the lush spring and radiant summer but it’s only normal to have cold winter and dry harmattan accompanying them. Most times people just can’t make it through those times but no strong relationship that is long lasting never had those kind of times and in that situation it’s about weathering the storm. Relationship is real work I’ve heard. The question is whether the blizzard is worth enduring? Which is why you have to really know the person. You have to know if you’re dealing with a harmattan or a drought. More so, usually we only see our side of the story (our truth) sometimes we don’t know what the other person is going through, why they become what they become, true it might just be because that’s truly who they are and they are just revealing their true self but some other times maybe they are just distorted at the moment everyone has their demons and at those times all they need is our patience and prayers.
    Besides you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happens. The question is could you have given more to make them stay? Are you doing something wrong? If you gave your best and they still left maybe it’s true after all, maybe they don’t actually deserve you. Remember accepting you for you is a strong point for getting into a relationship with someone so anyone who complains about who you are is bad vibe for you. Don’t wait till they leave cut em off. Lastly remember while people are if a truth important, no one is indispensable and the first person you need to be there every time is yourself after that others can now be considered. Only you can truly make yourself happy. Happiness exist in meaning and someone like you have it, open your eyes to it M. Thank you once again for your brilliance. You’re always a joy to read.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Broke up days to my birthday, waited for her call all day, every ping came with her in thoughts, she never showed up.

    I lost myself for months, I really did fight for it, 4 years wasn’t a joke… I really wanted us to work, I still went to beg after I was done mourning, atleast we could still be friends.

    I swore in the face of my friends we would become strangers, I was too weak to hold my promises to them, they were mad and still mad, but I found peace.

    We are best of friends…

    She made me grab my lost pen and filled my ink with fuel of desire to write
    As writing became my own companion….

    Your chronicles are awesome. It shows a deeper reflection of thoughts

    Liked by 1 person

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